Tag Archives: mexico

As Promised, Things I Love About Grandma, Installment One

14 May

Picture of Grandma not in another country.

What we have here is classic Grandma. Please note the look on her face. This is, I think, supposed to be a fun thing. Sort of. I’m not sure. With Grandma, it can be really hard to tell. First rule of Grandma-ness is that she must dislike anything new or different immediately and she seems to be pulling this this off with great skill in this particular photo. But before we go any further, there are a few things in this picture that must be addressed and possible reasons for her less-than-thrilled-to-be-in-Tijuana face.

First off, the hat. Leaving aside for the moment that it’s been inscribed with the words “What-A-Man,” it’s also been jammed on the back of her perfectly coiffed head, or as perfectly coiffed as possible given the heat.

Second, her only son, that she has groomed and attired in his best Fidel Castro play suit, has been unceremoniously plopped atop a donkey painted to resemble a Zebra. Though, props to the dude who thought the Zebra touch would really add to the authenticity of the quintessential Mexican photo op. Nothing really screams Mexico quite like a Zebra.

Third, my Grandfather, who can’t be bothered to put down his smoke for the shot. I realize that you don’t know my Grandpa, but I have his same forehead. Notice the wrinkled, furrowed brow. This is our trademark hangover face. I know without a doubt, from that furled brow, that he is sweating tequila from every pore in his body. He is hot, with my Grandma and Dad, sitting behind a stinky-ass donkey, probably in need of a nap and/or some hair of the dog. He as well is none too pleased.

But the thing that I love most about this photo and a Thing I Love About Grandma, is that if you ask her if she’s ever been out of the United States, she will tell you no.

To Grandma, Mexico is just another US territory, or a state that’s yet to be admitted to the union. Show her this picture as proof, and she will respond, “Oh that. That’s just Mexico. I’ve never been out of the country.”

And there you have it. Mexico, New Mexico, whatever. Much like Grandpa’s hangover face, I get my sense of direction and geography from Grandma, and I love that about us.

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Mexican for Breakfast

7 May

*this is the mental thumbnail that pops into Grandma's head at the mention of Mexican

No, not the food, the people. I swear to God Grandma stays awake all night thinking of ways to annoy the shit out of me. Being the absolute Queen of the non sequitur, she says while eating her raisin bran, “Looks like they’re going to have to do something about the Mexicans.”

Put through the Grandma Translator, what this means is, ‘I’d like to discuss immigration and undocumented workers.’ First thing in the morning, at breakfast, with a mouth full of raisin bran. Fantastic. This means the last piece on whatever shit show she was watching before bed discussed something to do with immigration. I can only pray she didn’t refind Fox News, which  I actually told her when she moved in here that we didn’t get that channel on our cable. This is funny because I live 3.5 miles from my sister’s where she lived before, and she completely accepts this as true.

“They seem to want to round them up and send them back.” Oh Christ. She has found Fox News. I brace myself for what’s coming next.

“Seems to me, it’d be better if they just let them stay. They’re already here. They could just pay taxes.”

I can’t believe that I am not going to have to sling this one out with her. I said, “Why do you say that Grandma?”

She thought for a minute, chewing her raisin bran and then replied, “Well, my Dad come here from Scotland. All he did was get on a boat and come here. And then he found work, and all we kids was borned here (Midwestern grammar) and that was that. Nobody ever asked him what he was doing here. Seems to me, beings they’re (again with the grammar) already here, we should just leave them be.”

Please excuse me while I go start a Facebook group, ’90 year-olds who can fucking remember that they also have an immigrant past, for amnesty.’

This almost makes up for her liking Sarah Palin. I said almost.