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Mexican for Breakfast

7 May

*this is the mental thumbnail that pops into Grandma's head at the mention of Mexican

No, not the food, the people. I swear to God Grandma stays awake all night thinking of ways to annoy the shit out of me. Being the absolute Queen of the non sequitur, she says while eating her raisin bran, “Looks like they’re going to have to do something about the Mexicans.”

Put through the Grandma Translator, what this means is, ‘I’d like to discuss immigration and undocumented workers.’ First thing in the morning, at breakfast, with a mouth full of raisin bran. Fantastic. This means the last piece on whatever shit show she was watching before bed discussed something to do with immigration. I can only pray she didn’t refind Fox News, which  I actually told her when she moved in here that we didn’t get that channel on our cable. This is funny because I live 3.5 miles from my sister’s where she lived before, and she completely accepts this as true.

“They seem to want to round them up and send them back.” Oh Christ. She has found Fox News. I brace myself for what’s coming next.

“Seems to me, it’d be better if they just let them stay. They’re already here. They could just pay taxes.”

I can’t believe that I am not going to have to sling this one out with her. I said, “Why do you say that Grandma?”

She thought for a minute, chewing her raisin bran and then replied, “Well, my Dad come here from Scotland. All he did was get on a boat and come here. And then he found work, and all we kids was borned here (Midwestern grammar) and that was that. Nobody ever asked him what he was doing here. Seems to me, beings they’re (again with the grammar) already here, we should just leave them be.”

Please excuse me while I go start a Facebook group, ’90 year-olds who can fucking remember that they also have an immigrant past, for amnesty.’

This almost makes up for her liking Sarah Palin. I said almost.


Time to Talk Politics and I Hate Richard Burr

29 Apr

* not this time....

Grandma is about the best political barometer there is. She is genius in her ability to be as uninformed as the American public in general, only occasionally focusing on a select issue of interest to her. Since coming to my house, I have all but blocked Fox Nooz from her television, put her on a firm diet of MSNBC and allowed but a sprinkle of CNN. She loves Rick Sanchez, much to my chagrin. She flatly refuses to watch Rachel Maddow, having nothing to do with her personally, she simply can’t understand her. Seriously, I’ll watch with her for about five minutes and at minute six, on cue, she will turn to me and say, “what in the HELL is she talking about? She talks so damn fast.” Grandma can only absorb sound bites. Like I said, genius.

Not to say that Grandma isn’t her own brand of smart, and Lord knows she could manipulate the Devil himself into getting her own way, but given an opportunity to opine, she will regurgitate a Republican talking point with alarming precision. She will mangle an issue to the point that it is unrecognizable. She likes Sarah Palin.

Let’s take the Affordable Care Act, as a perfect example of why the Dems are in a shit load of trouble come November. Grandma was against it from the start. First just because it was change. As I have said many, many times before, Change is never welcome. She wasn’t against it with a Tea Partier fervor, but the issue came up regularly at breakfast. “If they pass that bill, I guess I’ll have to go to the poor house.”

Each and every time we talked, I told her about all the really good things the law would do. I’ll not outline them here, but I framed everything in the way that it would help me personally. I thought she’d for sure fall in line if she just understood what I stood to benefit.

Nope. She threw me under the bus. “Well, that’s all fine and good, but they’re going to cut Medicare.”


I knew Obama would win the Presidency when Grandma decided to vote for him, despite running on a platform of the dreaded CHANGE. And now, after listening to her politics (or her mangled version of someone’s politics) I know that the Democrats are thoroughly fucked come November. Grandma is so completely confused that she is prepared to vote against her beloved party. Although I would kill her before I’d allow her to vote for Richard Burr. Richard Burr himself would have to show up here to take her to the polls.

So as of today, I have resigned myself to having that absolute waste of breath, smug, total asshole, go back to Washington. For now. I’ll continue to monitor the political landscape through the Grandma lens and update if there is any change in Grandma’s perspective. One thing to know, Grandma is never wrong. Now, how do I book her on Maddow?