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Grandma, Ornithologist

19 May

Grandma:

I see you have two different kinds of birds here. (Where Here=NC, not Home IL)

Me:

Which two kinds?

Grandma:

The kind that build nests, and the kind that don’t.

*Please make a note of that.

A Confessional, I Am A Potential Terrorist According to My Kitchen Sink

6 May

Mornings around here are pretty mundane. Coffee is made, breakfast order taken and served, and sometimes, to have new conversation material, I will bring the laptop to the table.

Grandma is both fascinated and horrified by the internet. Now that I have written that sentence, I think we all are, but anyway, this morning we hit the jackpot.

We, in general, are a little snoopy. Okay, a lot. I looooove to know what’s in someone’s pantry. Your junk drawer, to me, is all I’ll ever need to know about you. I was endlessly in awe of Grandma’s medicine cabinet as a child. Even as an adult. When I opened it, a whole world of information was open to me. Grandma’s medicine cabinet could serve as her wiki page.

Saving the analysis to Grandma’s medicine cabinet for another time, back to this morning. I opened my favorites and skimmed for something of interest to Grandma and Gawker, via The New York Post, delivered this gem.

Inside Faisal Shahzad’s home. Oh My God yes. Let’s go. Working backward, first we have the shower. Pantene, not my first choice, but a very solid go-to if on sale. What I want the CIA Interrogators to find out is why the shampoo and THEN the 2 in 1? I am confused. Does he never just condition after shampooing? Or does he just shampoo one day and then 2 in 1 the next?

I’ll not drag you through our frame by frame analysis of his home, but his kitchen sink tells a very sad story and the caption, “the kitchen sink in the suspect’s apartment,” made the story all the more real. The lonely, not a Scotch brand, scrub pad, the Ajax with the top in the open position, the lack of any dishes….sad. This man used his dish soap as hand soap as well. Sigh.

And then I turned to look at my kitchen. Holy shit. Had I just blown, or tried to blow something up and had just bought a ticket to God knows wherever, I’d never make the flight. The Feds could just head here immediately and find me trying desperately to clean this shit up so other people can’t make fun of it on the internet.

*whoops, my un-retouched sink on the internet

What a fucking mess. The horrid, circa 1982 painted tiles are enough to make me cringe. The sponge sits woefully unused and dry to the side. The sink, full of enough dishes and bacteria to create several new strains….the pears I am supposed to be baking instead of writing this, mocking me from the back. But at least I have hand soap. Also, please note the completely empty dish rack, sign of a suspect mind for sure. In my defense, I would like to point out that the dirty pan is All-Clad and the dishes are Mikasa, Italian Countryside. When they eventually come for me, please leave these details in comments somewhere.

In Which Grandma Makes a Funny

22 Apr

Me: Hey Grandma, was Dad an “accident?”

Grandma: “Back then everybody was an accident.”

True that.