I Know I Said The End….

19 Sep

But there really isn’t an end. Even though I can’t go home again, there is still Grandma.

She is fine and well in her new home, but we have run into several roadblocks in her new situation. She broke her other hip July 4th and had surgery for it, but for some reason has managed to dislocate it four times since having it replaced.

I have been awakened at 3am, 4am, 5am, and 9pm with the news from the nursing home. I have met her at the hospital each time and it is driving me insane. I know it is much worse for her than it is for me, having her hip repeatedly relocated, but it’s been no fun-fest on the receiving end of the emergency calls.

Grandma is 90 years old. The surgeon wants to do another surgery on her to re-seat the ball socket in her hip. I fear that she won’t survive surgery and there is a part of me that just wants it to end for her.

These are very difficult words to write, but you must understand, I never meant for her to suffer. I never meant for her to be cared for by strangers. I never meant to make the wrong decisions. I wanted her to be with me for all of the rest of her days. I wanted to make her damned breakfast, dole out her damned pills, do her damn hair and be able to bitch about it light-heartedly. I wanted her to have her dog, spoil my vacations, talk incessantly about birds and whether or not her Topsy Turvy tomatoes were growing…I wanted her. Here.

And now she’s not.

No one can care for her like I can, or rather, like Jamie and I could. She is bed-ridden, suffering with pressure ulcers and awaiting yet another hip surgery. The people who care for her care for her in the very best way that they can, but they are not us, her Grand-children, and I cannot reconcile this.

I feel unbearable guilt and incredible remorse. What if I had stayed home that 4th of July? Instead of selfishly going to a pool party for a few hours? Would she still be here with me? Was this avoidable? Did I forsake her for an afternoon of hot dogs and a swim?

Of course not. But it’s natural to ask. It’s normal to wonder.

She will have surgery again on Friday. We have no choice. To deny her surgery is to sign her death sentence. To sign the release for the surgery may be the same. I love her and want the best for her. I am lost in a sea of regret and remorse. I wanted her to have her last days here. Surrounded by us and everything familiar. I had dreams of holding her hand and comforting her and wishing her well as she passed. I was ready to do all of those things.

I am ready for none of these.

Things have gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Please pray for us and her and wish her well. She truly is and was, the best Grandma ever.

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One Response to “I Know I Said The End….”

  1. tammy October 11, 2010 at 6:33 pm #

    Grandmas is proud of you both and you are doing everything right. I love and pray for all of you each and everyday!

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